He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
I told her she has a very organized vagina; somehow she took offense.
I actually want to hang out with her with our clothes on. That's a big step up for me.
I gurantee you I'll be the only one dressed as a giraffe.
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
She blew me in the back of the cab while eye of the tiger was on the radio. Top five all time automatically
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
He just told me I was beautiful, whilst I peed into a cup. If this isn't love I don't know what is.
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
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