my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
Everything about him screamed your future.
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
there's a barbecue in the shower. I'd like to know who got this to fit inside perfectly. impressive
No our divorce decree will not have a blow job clause. Unless my alimony is greatly increased your bj's have been reduced to fantasy status.....
I'm studying for my midterm by watching porn with Spanish subtitles. Surprisingly the words are still really distracting..
For months it was all good and well just having sex. Now, something in me has snapped and I'm dreaming of taking turtleneck Christmas pictures with him. Fuck you, we're going out tonight. I need this.
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
I'm sure as hell not getting hoodwinked into going back to rehab again
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
Hhhaaa He said Peanutburter disinfect lol. Like peanut butter can disinfect stuff. None of those guys are safe
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
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