Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
My cousin's wedding had personal beer funnels for each table and a drinking game against the bride and groom. im sorry for ever calling you white trash
New first...just saw an entire family of homeless hitch hikers...kids and all. God, i love Oklahoma!
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
Girl passed out in class and vomited. Another victim of syllabus week
yes, i was eatting raw cookie dough and fingering myself at the same time.... is there a problem?
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
I'm trying to poop and took acid, this is going to end horrid or wonderful. Oh the amusement park, not the pooping.
UPDATE: IM NOT A TEEN MOM LETS GO PARTY
I have fence marks all over my body
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