Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
I seriously just washed my dick in a public restroom. That's how dirty last night got
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
Umm I need a rain check. Long story short is I have scabies. Research it if you want. I'll tell you everything another time soon, I promise.
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
She's riding a tiny four-wheeler and has a Dos Equis in her hand. I at least have to meet her.
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
I dunno. The only plans I have for sure after finals are smoking a bowl and eating a 5 pound gummy bear. btw I bought a 5 pound gummy bear
After last night I think its official. Deep down, we like alcohol more than we like women.
Bed, food, and you got really nice boobs. That's it really. Foundations of friendship right there.
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
Randomize
