The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
She's a Laker fan, her sister is a Celtic fan... no matter who wins I'm getting a celebration bj from one of them!
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
I may still return these pants. Depends how much they smell like alcohol by tmrw morning. I've already spilled once.
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
Pretty sure the shower sex fucked up my hip alignment... im walking like im 104 today
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
Randomize
