My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
How do you know one of your one night stands hasn't produced a child? You may have hundreds of kids.
Pretty sure I don't. One night stands are purely anal..no exceptions.
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
True life I used my fake as a photo id for my final. My professor told me good luck and laughed. Hope the bouncers are in the St. Patrick's day spirit.
and being hungover still at 4 in the afternoon is NOT "having allergies"
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
mary just dropped the yahtzee dice in her wine. and shes throwin em like shes on a craps table.
hahahaha slap the bag.
Overall win. We all know who got to sleep on the concrete outside of Denny's with you.
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
I just made out with Ricky Ullman of Phil of the Future fame and I don't know what I'm doing anymore. Help.
This guy is walking around with a deer head on. Honestly what the fuck
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
Randomize
