Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
I understand why you refuse to be sober now
She swung at the pinata with crutches
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
He won't sleep with me again until I commit...
Run. There is other dick in the sea, less clingy dick.
Be there soon... with munchies, blow jobs and shoulder rubs.
At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
Like, she can be the shepard of the gays. Delivering him unto homosexuality.
I am going to go Miley Cyrus crazy if I don't get sex soon
Headline in the alligator: young zeta goes berserk after lack of sex and is found naked swinging from wrecking ball on university ave, refuses to get down until sex partner is found
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
making my breakfast out of the pot brownies we made last night. Safe to say it's time to go grocery shopping.
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
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