I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
you lied vaginas dont taste like gold fish!
noo i said youre golden if her vagina tastes like fish!
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
I literally might walk of shame home on a cable car. If that doesn't scream San Francisco I don't know what does
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
Strange request but for my birthday you should get me one of those vibrators that you can plug into your iPod that go along with the music.
So because I'm off tomorrow that means your dick could be in my mouth majority of that time
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
WHY DID I MAKE A 7 minute video of me eating crackers and cheese when I was high
Send it to me
Randomize
