Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
dude on moped wearing crocs...somebody get this guy his man card back
no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
my dad told me i had to spend my money wisely..so i spent the money he gave me for a desk chair on weed. ill be so high i wont even notice its gone
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
For someone only wearing socks and a cast, I felt reallyy overdressed
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
I'm eating Swedish fish out of my boobs and watching SOA.. There is no way your Tuesday night will be better than mine.
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
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