ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
Walked in on my boss having phone sex at work... and somehow this didnt bother nor embaress him
today's workout consisted of me putting my fake in my sports bra and running to the liquor store.
you proceeded to scream out that it's your birthday to everyone who walked by before you collapsed in the middle of the street. happy 21st birthday to you.
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
So, your gf couldn't walk up the stairs without your help, but she could knit you a scarf?
I think the fact that the scarf was made out of dental floss should be taken into account.
I was convinced to buy a man thong.
But it's Armani so it's okay.
God I just out gayed myself.
My taste buds are fucked up, everything tastes like fire after last night.
I walked out in my coconut bra, and that's when it all went downhill.
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
I'm really stressed out right now.
I think you're confusing "stressed" and "sober".
Randomize
