I know I'm not learning anything when I can't even spell the name of the class I'm taking
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
New drinking game: take a shot everytime Jay-Z is played during the NFL draft.
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
if it doesnt flame it aint got game is a bad drinking motto eyebrow-wise.
eyebrows regrow, your balls dont
I think I will always strangely appreciate as well as kick ass at stoned dishes. Like for the rest of my life. Thank you slave job at Starbucks.
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
Nah, he's definitely here somewhere. Whether he survived the night or not is your problem, but I'm pretty sure he's around.
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
I'll do my best. he just keeps yelling beer and doing dick helicopters
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
Randomize
