its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
We need to get her some penis inspired head protection.
It's like I paid NJ Transit $33 to suck his dick and go home. Fuck that.
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
In the ER with Chelz, I may have broken her ankle during sex. Lovely.
I feel like parents watching our children. You want to step in and help them but you just have to let them make their mistakes
Well I woke up at my house so that's a plus. But I'm pretty sure I peed on my sofa because I woke up in the pee position.
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
It was very surreal. They were listening to a religious podcast on morality while they both went down on me.
Randomize
