When you get home we need to compare our schedules and set up masturbation slots. I'm scares of you walking in on me. Again.
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
I am seriously considering thanking Macallan 18 in my thesis acknowledgments.
There's sex hanging in the air like a pinata. European people are no joke.
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
Okay! I've got my sketchbook, my purse, my coat, and a knife hidden in my cleavage. I'm ready for to meet my blind date~
I took my exam the next day still drunk and failed, but I kno for a fact that I filled in the bubbles for my name perfectly
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
ever had the feeling "I've been drunk in this bathroom before?" Like De ja drunk?
I'm eating Swedish fish out of my boobs and watching SOA.. There is no way your Tuesday night will be better than mine.
She kissed me, then said "mmm your face tastes like it needs my pussy on it."
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
That married penis I’ve been riding offered to pay off my student loans. I was going to break it off because he has lousy stamina. Is being debt free worth putting up with mediocre sex?
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
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