i'm in his phone as sushi coochie
is wine microwaveable?
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
There no better feeling of self control than stopping yourself before telling your girlfriend she gives head just like her sister.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
the girl whose rug I peed on is here
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
Where are you? Where am I? Why am I so red?
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize
