I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
was i over the top when i said that i wished they made v-neck pants to her?
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
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the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom.
when he was about to finish he told me to avert my eyes and keep my lady parts away. chivalry isnt dead.
Noooo. We thought it would be funny for him to wake up buried in the sand. But we just remembered about the whole high tide thing and it's dark and it's pretty damn hard to find an unconscious head sticking out of the sand. Just help us out
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
Bang-toberfest begins!!
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I can officially say I had a blunt rolled on my ass
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
I get a little bitchy. We all know that
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
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