There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
I had sex with him, and then he gave me a $5 Starbucks gift card. Totally worth it
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
Her hair goes down to her lower back and nobody was there to held it back for her. She looked like chewbacca dipped in vomit.
Yeah. I don't think I have anything left in me tho. I think I was throwing up tangible memories at one point.
So apparently I ended up throwing my clothes in the toilet after getting kicked out of TQ and ran around the neighborhood in my boxers. Works gonna suck hard once this hangover kicks in. Also: I lost a shoe so looks like flipflops for the rest of winter
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
We'll just charge in there, all pant less and fabulous demanding he give back her ferret.
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
He's hot, you can get laid, and you may get free drugs. It's the trifecta of banging a drug dealer
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
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