Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
she sounds like chewbacca in bed
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
through my window right now you can see the hot chick next door is standing BUTT ASS NAKED eating peanut butter off a knife.
ill be there in 5.
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
It was worse than when we pepper-sprayed my dick. I feel mislead.
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
I'm trying to find candidates for my winter break hook up. I'm going to hold auditions thanksgiving break.
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
Do you think he feels stupid trying to bang girls with his small penis? I'd be embarrassed.
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
I wish you could just Google "people I've had sex with" and they would all just come up
Sunday morning breakfast with the boyfriends family. I just puked in the stall at Cracker Barrell. Classy.
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