a lady just got escorted out of the bar because she came in carrying a can of gasoline while smoking a cigarette....this place is the definition of class
All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
You looked at my sister and yelled at her saying in a couple of years she will be yours
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
That's a lot of judgement coming from a man wearing a dress made from a bedsheet.
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
andy told me i got kicked out of the bar and was so drunk i forgot and got back in line. the bouncer was zero impressed
Randomize
