I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
im learning from these one night stands last time i came in her this time i came on her AND deleted every contact in her phone!
Having him eat chocolate out of you is not as romantic as it sounds. I'm still finding pieces.
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
She judged ME for picking my nose when SHE has the clap.
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
im on the hungover til tuesday pabst blue ribbon diet
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
So when I walked out, everyone was chanting ONE OF US, someone draped a lei over my head, and then she grabbed my ass and dragged me back into the bedroom. I'd say it was a pretty good night to lose my virginity.
She definitely peed in a bucket in their closet last night. We should warn them about that, right?
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
Dude... the time we have in life to be young and trivial is so incredibly short. I think we should drink tonight.
Randomize
