there is a homeless man oan crack poledancing on a fence... now hes humping it...
I dk what to do with this kid he is like legitimately interested in my life.
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
Still can't believe they give people like us a drivers license and college degree.
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
I will miss his soup and his dick the most
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
Wanna know what sucks. Banging the bosses daughter at work and having the boss walk in while you are fucking on his desk. Good day though. Made 6 sales
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
Is it sad to eat a candy bra by yourself?
Can I come over and get it in, take a nap in ur bed, grab some poptarts and then leave?
You haven't lost that air of class about you...
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