I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
I woke up to his little sister feeling me up. I guess it's time to meet the family.
can we meet up so i can piece together the end of my night? for instance, did i jump or fall into a plant?
let's get a trip to cabo together for next spring... they have to have forgotten about me by now
She barfed in the corner of the baby pool. Then she yelled "it's okay" repeatedly while trying to scoop it out.
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
Tell him to put up or shut up. Can't be dangling dick in front of ho's without delivering.
It's just disrespectful
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
I woke up and there was a tiny sombrero on my penis. Care to explain?
Randomize
