Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
Nah you can have him. There's too many men in my life right now. I can't handle another dick.
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
I am soup sandwich. I have been at dAnce party
It was actually pretty good. His cock is as fat as the rest of him and I took out my contacts so I couldn't see him clearly.
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
I just saw someone dressed as a bear leave your house on a motorcycle. I guess you guys are having a good time.
Also we had sex while listening to fleetwood Mac on vinyl. Like the 70s called and told me to fuck off
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
if i drink i'll go into liver failure but ok
totally worth it, dude its $1 pbr
My prof handed me back my essay on Lesbians in literature, gave me an A and then we had sex in her office. Told you she was gay.
Randomize
