Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
If after tonight I can still walk on my own, take me to another bar.
My god this is going to ruin whatever Vegas left of our souls...
The cop actually kicked the bitches out of the cab so we could get ours. I flipped them all off as the door was shutting. That drunk.
we left when one of the guys tried to stick himself with an IV that he found
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
But in today's society it's frowned upon not to wear pants in public.
My ladyscape is the envy of many and the shangrila of few. I will display it proudly.
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
Tomorrow I'm going to tape my thumbs to my palms and my biceps to my abdomen to learn what it's like to be a t-rex for a day. Anyone else in?
Randomize
