i take joy in having bigger boobs than others
so we told my parents we were going trick or treating. got high as shit at some playground. and then bought our own candy so we looked legit when we got home.
life is sad when you just turned 21 and youre doing late night rogaine runs...
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
Yeah just had sex and grub hub came right after he did. I’d say it’s a win.
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
I just don't understand what you plan on accomplishing there except for losing all vestiges of post-freshman year dignity
Randomize
