this dieting is killing me...just started drooling watching a dog food commercial
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
Just an fyi, teatherball while wasted might be the hardest sport ever.
Had sex to a Lionel Richie song. I have a feeling I was conceived to it. Finally reached full circle.
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
I bought this skirt with every intention to have it wrapped around my tits by the end of the night. So, I'm not a whore. I'm a self-fulfilling prophecy.
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
And leave it to John to ask the cabby to make a Porno in his cab
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
It started with jello shots. It ended with tears.
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
No, seriously, I've slept with 3 guys this month.
It's ok, February is a short month
I hope Team Snapchat has been enjoying our sex snaps all this week.
I JUST REALIZED THAT SINCE LEIA IS TECHNICALLY A PRINCESS AND KYLO REN IS HER SON AND STAR WARS IS OWNED BY DISNEY...KYLO REN IS LITERALLY A DISNEY PRINCE.
Oh my Gods. Why. Why did you have to tell me that. D:
SO YOU CAN SUFFER HAVING THAT KNOWLEDGE TOO.
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
Randomize
