is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
So he asked me last night if I would cheer him on while he masturbated...
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
moving back to school this early was a terrible idea we already used up our bail fund
3 girls crying in the bathroom at the bar. Its like a Christmas song
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
Good news. His dicks gotten wayy bigger since high school. I love Thanksgiving break.
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
Randomize
