If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
Dude go to the top of pikes peak right now to catch Kevin Bacon's band performing
The bacon? Yeah right. What if there's Tremors?
Him and Burt have already taken care of that. It's a once in a lifetime chance to catch the Bacon brothers live in concert. I sort of have a boner
Dude, this place has 10% alcohol beer on tap. It's like God's semen.
Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
naw. unless you want me to sit in a corner, not understand english and eat all of your cheese then i don't think it's a good idea.
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
It's a piss down the stairs of the hotel kind of night
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
I am too high to deal with coming home to 11 naked people in my living room
He just stays over and makes naked pancakes in the morning
Well. I hope my dad likes whatever sweater stoned me picks out.
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
Randomize