I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
she thought the capital of kansas was topanga.
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
Just by hearing the girl outside reciting the info on her fake ID, I know it's gonna be a good night
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
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