Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
So not only did team sweden fail to particpate in any drinking game but i also found puke in my viking helmet this morning.
I feel like my teeth are sweating.
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
She just asked me if I was looser "in the vagina" than her. While gyrating.
I'm thinking about wearing a strap-on just to freak him out the next time he pulls my pants off.
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
I did the walk of shame in nothing but a sleeping bag and now I'm on my way to pick up plan B. Let's not make a habit of this.
Sounds like a good New Years
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
Someone came in the potted fern
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
Randomize
