Without porn, I would have few hobbies.
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
the worst part is we had a camera rolling
Did his mom notice it when she saw u guys?
Yes.
I have to watch that.
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
I was mad at him...then I jerked off. Now I'm over it. Orgasms fix everything, I swear.
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
the funny thing was, all i remember was a liter of vodka and going to oneonta for the night. then 2 weeks later bam, i get a letter banning me from campus for the next 4 years. awesome convorsation with my dad to wake up to.
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
Randomize
