dude just tell them you don't wear clothes. they'll understand
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
Naked Twister starts at high noon
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
Did you blow the guy you weren't supposed to hook up with again in the bathroom of pita pit? Cause that happened last night...
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
The girls danced. I drank. Then I danced cause I was drunk. Then I ripped tim's shirt off cause I'm awesome.
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
When Pony by ginuwine plays I pretty much just grind on the nearest penis.
THIS IS A TERRIBLE REWARD FOR NOT GETTING PREGNANT.
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
He's completely obsessed with his ex but gives phenomenal head. So overall, yeah, good first date.
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
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