Does this mean you'll turn into an Albanian at the next full moon?
i'm going to be one of those im-wearing-a-shirt-as-a-dress girls today. dont make fun of me, i need laid
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
He couldn't stand on his own, but he managed to somehow to get to the beer garden and get served 3 more. I'm proud to call him my cousin.
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
All I can think about are the cheese it's on my desk at work this morning. Like are those apologetic cheese it's or does he seriously think he still has a shot..
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
At this point in job hunting, I'm willing to become a leather daddy if it means some sort of income.
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
Hey when you get home, can you do me a solid and throw one of your pregnancy tests on my bed?
EPT or First Response?
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
Randomize
