My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
Do fat girls normaly have fat that look like a penis by their pussy?
What the hell did you do last night?!
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
this cock blocking thing really has to end bro...its one thing to tell jen i live with my mom.. its another to cut the brakes on my car..
My name in their phones is "That Girl". If i can't get it to go away, I might as well live up to it.
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
But the sex is so much better when he already has a girlfriend
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
Like why am I even still facebook friends with a guy I let finger me at a concert?
I was the only one in group sessions to bring up sex as a stress reliever. Some of those people were awfully judgy despite the fact we were all in a psych ward.
he's such a nice guy...he deserves a bigger dick.
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