Im glad youre not pregnant with that New Jersey assholes baby. Your vagina would have smelled worse than Newark.
We did like every position then did it again this morning. Something about him being the little boy i used to make sand castles with just made it way hotter.
well done
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
My Bio teacher gave me extra marks for putting "deer with AK-47 seeking retribution" at the top of the food chain on my exam. 51% pass here i come!!
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
Right. Cuz nothing screams "You made it!" quite like selling your used underwear to strangers you met on the internet.
Randomize
