i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
I fucked her on my hockey bag. it doesnt get any more Canadian than that.
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i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
DO NOT GO IN OUR BATHROOM. it cannot be unseen
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
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No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
I got inside last night via doggy door
We don't have the same problems as normal people do we?
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
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