My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
2 showers later and I'm still finding cum on random body parts of mine
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
Can you send me a picture of you not naked, my mom wants to see what you look like
Remember when we had a keg, and then another 5 cases... and like 30 people drank it all?
Everything hurts.
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
I don't know which is worse, the fact that he can say will you fuck me in so many languages or that I'm turned on because of that
She looks like a Midwestern news anchor that got fired so she has done nothing but eat for the past 6 months.
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
Damn that brownie almost kicked my ass. I'm not sure if my flight home lasted 10 minutes or 10 days..
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
Randomize
