I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
We officially wrote our house rules 1. We do not waste alcohol 2. Pinky promises mean something 3. Don't leave your facebook open, and if you do, don't complain 4. Never refuse cuddle or catch phrase
Yeah.. he went to Tebow in the middle of the crosswalk and got hit by a cab... The yellow ones really don't stop
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
Last night dinner was cinnamon buns and whiskey. At least tonight I had a fajita with my cookies and tequila. I may be a little stressed about these end of semester tests.
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
I haven't filled him in on Operation "find a sugar daddy & suck dick for money" yet, but I'm sure he just wants me to be happy.
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
Just got a handjob in my psych lecture. You were right, going to class is paying off.
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
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