I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
other than the jail part I had a really good time with you
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I still feel like a bad person. A shoulder to cry on became a dick to suck.
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
Yeah he told me he wanted a serious relationship, but he's posting pictures of his dick on Kik.
answer honestly do you think i can make a bloody mary with ketchup????
I just saw a guy in a zippo shirt buy 2 gallons of fire starter fluid and then proceed to smoke a cigarette. I feel like hes got some big plans for his tuesday.
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
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