I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
WHAT IS WRONG WITH SOCIETY?!?!?!
... says the kid who took a shit in my parents dishwasher...
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
NEW INFORMATION meech found me passed out on a bench outside.
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
Just threw up in the shower. Hangovers at 23 are the best.
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
Have you ever forgotten how to pee? I did last night. Standing in front of the urinal with dick in hand. WTF were we drinking???
Or is it distressingly heterosexual?
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
My vagina likes him more than I do, but I’m going to follow her lead and see what happens
Randomize
