I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
arkansas has a gas station called kum and go....story of my life
she would be the type to have more hair on her twat than on her head
she has to be all "alternative"
Oh god I may vomit into the teacup of debauchery.
He is the blood diamond of hook ups. You think you want it...but you don't
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
His status said "sad." of course I liked it. I don't even care that I was the only one. Facebook isn't your god damn journal, we don't care about your problems.
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
did you just describe your masturbation session as "rad af??"
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
The next time you scream bombs away when you are inside me will be the last time you are inside me
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
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