i woke up this morning to a slap on the ass and jake saying "you should let me put it in your ass now" i need out of this relationship.
for sure. did you let him do it?
thats not the point.
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
So I just went to 3 different stores because there is no way I can walk out of one store with this many reeses and still have my pride.
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
You challenged a dog groomer that she couldn't cut human hair ... How's the shaved head
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
just saw a girl run into an automatic sliding door, back up and try again
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