You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
I dont think problem is the right word. Problems arent something you enjoy. Life would be too boring without gambling.
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
I just woke up in his house on his bathroom floor with an IV in my arm.
UPDATE: lighting the grill with Bacardi. Haven't slept. Forgot the hamburger buns. Almost out of our eighth handle.
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
Apparently after awhile self preservation trumps libido. This is new news to me.
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
Hows cali? I thought of you as I shaved 1/4 of my legs last night.
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
The night was crazy enough that we did a workout. Instructed by the bouncer at 2am
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
Randomize
