Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
and i forgot to tell you that my armpit hair is now completely grown back. man i love winter.
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
I have stripper ass cheeks all over my glasses
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
Just skate-of-shamed, shirtless, with a bucket or margaritas. Good luck beating that one.
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
My vibrator box just fell off the table and hit my cat in the head, he is a little stunned. Good thing I went medium size
His parents came home, and now I'm hiding in a closet; awaiting death at dawn.
You are always hiding in a closet though??
Don't tell me you're on acid again
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
Randomize
