i just pooped in tubberware. not a proud day
Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
those are the first brownies ive had since i was 13 that didnt have weed in them.
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
For the record it's 1026 and you told me I could leave you in the bathroom.
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
The guy I slept with in AZ just called and is moving here next week.
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
Randomize
