I pooped in a mop bucket.
WTF???
Their employee restroom was locked what kind of customer service is that
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
If I drank a glass of water for every drink I had I'd die of water intoxication like some tweaked out looser at a rave
hes duct taped to the wall and we're throwing eggs at him. i love thirsty thursday.
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
We peed together in a dark alley while holding hands. That is a bond that can never be broken.
Lesson learned:nothing good comes from an at home wax kit.
Your boobs stole my birthday thunder!
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
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