Yeah i wasn't gonna go out but then i was like im not gonna get my dick wet stayin at home studying
No one actually likes Tequila. They just accept it as a fact of life. Like hpv.
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
i said good morning to each one of his abs personally
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
I also found a beer label in my bra and I'm pretty sure you put it there and said "this means I trust you"
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
I'm sure if Robin Williams was still with us he would want you to see boobs.
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
Randomize
