life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
i just shoved 27 marshmallows in my mouth
well thats a nice change of pace from what you normally put in your mouth
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
hey girl hope you're alright, you hit that tree really hard. have a good night.
I am not saying a eulogy for your vibrator.
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
He grabbed onto my boobs while slipping on ice then proceeded to drag me down with him I'm not predicting head in his future
I'm hoping that banging a 24 year old 3 times cancels out banging that freshman on Wednesday
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
I love random hookups in covid sex. Usually girls think me about a one and a half to a two and a half but now that I got this mask on I'm a Solid 6.
Randomize
