Yeah but my nose is so stuffed if I tried to give him head I'd suffocate
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
Mustard is by no means a replacement for yellow wall paint
You graduated two years ago... You can't keep using spring break as an excuse.
it's a gatorade, cheez its, and regret kind of morning....
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
I was too drunk to remember throwing up so i probably didn't learn my lesson
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
Oh and it took quite a bit of doing, but I managed to wipe my butt with the hat you left in my car
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
Randomize
