I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
wait one more day. tuesday is my official "i hit on you and/or we hooked up this weekend" friend request day.
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm pretty sure I made out with a guy in a man thong.
Oh, and let me go get some popcorn, watching you make your own decisions should be quite the shitshow.
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
Randomize