I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
Your stories are the best. I feel like you're a spy among the heteros. It's not fair.
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
He started praying immediately after we hooked up, condom on and everything.
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
And then he tried to convince me that he could wear a condom instead of pants to go out.
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