no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
just got drunk at a party with Christmas themed solo cups.. holidays are officially here.
Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
If a "boob" guy and an "ass" guy are discussing which you are better qualified for....just let them
Russians do not operate on the same level as the rest of us. hoping I wake up tomorrow
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
Send me one of your boob pics as an example. I mean this in the straightest least lesbian way possible.
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
Ate a slug for 39 dollars
I wouldn't expect anything less from a PhD student
It wasn't until after we began having sex again the next morning I realized I didn't know his name.
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
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