What I lack in compassion I make up for in lack of compassion
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
You were offering to spell people's name for a dollar.
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
well apperantly i passed out on the stairs shouting "victory".
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
Actually some of the best sex I've had involved a lot of laughing.
How small IS your cock?
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
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