On a scale of affliction to ed hardy, how douchy is in there right now?
You just kept taking about baking cornbread and doing your physics. Even drunk assed random you is a better student than me.
Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.
I honestly don't know if ill make it through the next two hours. The hangover is strong with this one.
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
We got kicked out of the ice rink last night for drinking and checking strangers... but they let us keep the beer
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
danced like there was no tomorrow. surprise. there's a tomorrow
He and his ex stood there talking about going to get Chinese food while I was half naked searching for my panties
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
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