i just wanna soil my oats bro
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
You know whats not fun? Making yourself throw up on a sand dune at 4 in the morning.
I'm not sure, 7-8, the last bit was a rush of at least three blended together. Basically you fucked me so stupid that I can't even recall the number of orgasms.
So you know, I'm making that my facebook status.
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
Well the "Blackout with your sack out" party turned out predictably.
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
My exam ends at 4pm so I plan to be passed out in the bar by 5pm. Want to join me?
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
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