Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
Wish you were here....
And I wish your mouth was around my cock, but that never happens, does it?
It's not normal to lose a tooth eating a McDouble.
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
All I remember is waking up with 3 penises pointed at my face. I also remember enjoying that a lot. And then I threw up in their shower.
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
That super awesome moment when the guy who threw up in your bed last night crawls into your roommate's bed the next morning...Naked...She was in it.
Do u remember giving me permission to fuck ur dad and then getting super pissed at me when i said ew?
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
The hair on my legs is officially flapping in the breeze when I walk. I must say, being single does have perks and this is one of them.
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
Someone fucked a stripper in their rental car, there is goddamn glitter everywhere.
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
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