I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
I don't know where Tiffany is but I just saw her shoes in the bar lost and found
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
I drank butter last night, who am I to judge?
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
It was kicking off big time until you crawled out the bar on your hands and knees. Nobody wanted to mess with that.
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
Yeah but you let me touch your butt. You're clearly the winner.
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
I just saw a guy walking down the street without a shirt on and holding a samari sword....
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
I'm not saying it wasn't great. I'm just saying sleeping with a gassy, depressed,45 year old mother was a different experience. Would do it again though.
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